The state of my mental health

 

 

 

During the previous years, Mental health topics and issues are considered taboo. It was the avoidable topic because of fear of people judging you and calling you crazy. Some will call it “inarte” or just seeking attention. Talking about it with these kinds of people seems useless and it will just add it to your list of stressors that causes your anxiety, resulting to me keeping my mouth shut and keeping it all in. Many people would blame yourself for choosing to shut up and not bother telling people your problems. I often think about the others’ mental state and problems other than my own, how they will take it when I share my burden with them. I don’t want to burden people with my emotional baggage knowing that they may have problems of their own. So, I do things like going out, writing, and watching movies to distract myself. 

 

Talking about my mental health stability with anyone is rather difficult. I think that I can speak with others about being uncomfortable about talking personal topics to adults and professional. Ever since high school--grade 9 to be specific, I started thinking negatively about myself. Maybe it’s because of the pressure of being in the most prestigious Art School in the country, or because of the hurtful words that was being critiqued by my dance teacher. It affected me greatly mainly because being inside a school full of talented individuals pressured me to the point that I need to give my all in order to be at the top of everyone. The insults and criticism just got to me to the point that I overthink about everything I do just to avoid the pain that a mistake can cause me. It started getting worse to the point that I lose interest to the things I love the most. I cry at my dorm room every night, I got to the point that I was hurting myself just to distract me from the voices repeating every word that I try so hard to bury at the back of my head.

 

I was never comfortable telling my parents and friends my innermost emotions. I tried once, and they just called me seeking attention. Since then, I never talked about it with anyone. I just kept all my emotions and frustrations within me. I just mask my innermost feelings and hope for better days. I try my best to be happy and be positive with what life has to offer. I use journals as an outlet, as it helps me feel better. Sometimes dancing, it gives me a sense of comfort and a therapeutic feel for I often express what the emotions and the frustration that I keep inside. 

 

I can say that I am better now than before. Healthier and better on handling emotions. I just hope that I won’t spiral back to my lowest point in life, because my life right now is happier than before.